i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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