I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize