I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
