I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
