Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
