brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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