well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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