i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
