I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
