I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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