I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
