Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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