My friends, they love my intelligence
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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