did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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