Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
