Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
