I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Text me some of your sweat
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