Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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