is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
