I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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