You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize