"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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