Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Randomize
