I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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