Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
