Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
