I'm lost and stupid without you.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
