I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
