I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
how does that bad decision feel?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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