All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
