we're chasing vodka with high fives
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Are we still banned from the library?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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