Do you still have your period?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
