You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
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