i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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