spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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