you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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