based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize