I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
