Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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