Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
