I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
