Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
