They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We are two peas in an std pod
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize