i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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