I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
