I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
