Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
