I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
