i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
