My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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