Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
