ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
