Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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