member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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