If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
