just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
