We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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